The Internalized Misogyny of Fem Doms and Sex Pozzies

When I was a female pro Domme ($ only, not lifestyle), I thought I was being empowered, but I was merely mimicking men, male attitudes, and male versions of sexual activities. The damaging, wholly ignorant, lib fem, and sex poz, beliefs made these actions feel progressive; I believe had I not been introduced to these ideas, I would not have gone into the pornified world of male deviance like I did. It was the legitimacy of (the appropriation) the term “feminism” that allowed me to remain comfortable with my choices, my twisted world view was not challenged by anyone, especially myself.

Recently I have realized that I had been so fully, utterly, colonized by men, that I had internalized the male gaze, and became limited to viewing the world through the male point of view. Destructive misogyny subsumed me so profoundly, that it became my entire personality (if you can even call it that), and internal identity. I had always wanted all of what I took to belonged to men, rather than the attributes assigned to women. Even as a child, I never identified with the limitations of the feminine role. Instead, I behaved as if I was an aggressive, overtly sexual, male, but with my very female, stripper inspired, physical image.

As a pro domme, I was in no way acting as a “strong, empowered, women in ownership of her own sexuality”; it was the furthest thing from it. I mainly abused men, for pay, and it made me feel truly masculine, powerful, and strong, even though it put me in a vulnerable situation legally and physically (safety). There is a term in kink lingo that (poorly) illustrates how dommes can be the unwitting servants: “topping from the bottom”. The male always wielded the power, that it was ever handed over was only an illusion for his sexual gratification. The reality was that I was intensely servile, under a mask of dominance that even I thought was real. The fact is, the act of kink (or sex, stripping, etc) for pay put me in a truly submissive position, having to cater to male needs, and desires, in order to survive financially.

I had become a true, enthusiastic, believer of sex poz, and a walking embodiment of the left wing image of an ideal women, like a Maxim cover come to life. Instead of having “agency”, I played right into exactly what the modern man desires in a female, as my entire sexuality was based on pornified images and the desires of the sickest of men. And sick it was; I participated in things that ought to inspire utter disgust, but sex poz ideals teach you to not just accept, but celebrate even the most repellant of sex acts. Any sign of less than standard enthusiasm for someones particular kink could garner you the label of “prude”, “hater”, “kinkphobic”etc. There was no room for any type of disapproval, no matter how mild, so you learn to quash any self doubt and censor yourself completely.

And I was the ultimate collaborator. Thankfully, it was rare to have a female, other than the other domme, but I occasionally brought in a submissive friend of mine, if a client requested her. It didn’t bother me, but it should have. I should have listened to my original objections, but I went ahead with the idea that this whole endeavor was empowering, proof of agency and power, even feminist (!!!). It allowed the self deception necessary to hurt a friend in this way; if she chose it, what could be wrong with it? This was how I thought, so dedicated I was to serving the orgasms of random men.

The truth is, there is nothing at all empowering about any type of sex work, no matter what these seThe truth is, there is nothing at all empowering about any type of sex work, no matter what these sex pozzers like to say. I am still working very hard to de-colonize my mind from the decades of internalized misogyny, and then the destructive, seductive, LIES of 3rd wave activists.

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8 thoughts on “The Internalized Misogyny of Fem Doms and Sex Pozzies

    1. kamilla1960

      The reason I suggested John Berger’s series to you is that the second segment on the female nude in the European art tradition, contains some of the best commentary, unsurpassed to today, on the objectifying of women by the institutionalized male gaze. I do love Berger (not ever having known him personally of course 🙂 His 1990s novel To The Wedding is one of my favourite books.

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  1. sellmaeth

    If I may ask, how did you view the men (your “clients”) at that time?
    It always puzzled me how one could view prostitution as “empowering” – even though I identify as hetero, the very thought of doing anything sexual with any man who asks for it, makes me sick, and I am quite sure one can’t make a living on getting paid for sex by very handsome men. So … how does this work?

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    1. freefromsexpozzies Post author

      Overall, it was incredibly dehumanizing all around. I saw all the men as a way to get what I wanted. But I also thought the clients were fucking disgusting, perverts. Really they made me sick. Some I found pitiful or sad, others I thought were hypocritical assholes, but overall, I didn’t think much of them outside of what kind of cash I could take them for.
      Its a horrible mindset, to see people (even men) in such an exploitive way. I wonder if that is how men see us? If so, its awful and gross.
      And yes, sex for money is disgusting. There was no sex in the dungeon, which was the one saving grace of it.

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  2. Feminist Rag

    Great article. I think these types of articles & stories are the most powerful, told/written by people like you who LIVED it, lived through it, came out the other side, and know better and deeper than anyone else, just how harmful the sex trade is. I don’t know how anyone who hasn’t been in the sex trade, can support it after hearing stories from survivors about just how horrific ‘the life’ is. I guess the sex poz bullshit is so loud that it drowns out the voices of reason and common sense, including our own gut instincts and basic human intelligence. So glad you found yours and are sharing it with the world. Thank you. It is only through hearing survivor stories that I was able to understand the realities of the sex trade and what has made it easy for me to sift through the bullshit of sex poz/pro sex trade arguments. I am grateful to survivors for such raw education, and I have nothing but respect for their courage in telling the Truth, and will forever support them for it.

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