“You have ruined my life”
“You stripped me of my manhood, took everything away from me, I am nothing!”
“You have tore me down completely, I have nothing left!”
“I will never, ever, be the same again because of this. I can never go back!”
All of the above quotes (and so many more) were screamed in my face, during a violent fight, 4-5 months ago. Since then, I have also heard them, many times, almost every single day, in a variety of tones. Some days it’s just whining and complaining, other days with the indignation that usually comes with righteous anger, other times its delivered before a crying jag. A few times they were spoken conversationally, but ending up as just a prelude to another fight.
So, I am asking- what do you think I said, or did, to cause this horrible suffering? What was just so utterly inhumane that he felt it necessary to stand over me, his partner of 12 years, threatening to kill me and our kids, while his beloved 4yr old son was lying on me screaming “Don’t hurt Mommy!”, and our 2yr old girl cowered in the corner? Must have been pretty bad if ripping my baby from my neighbors arms, after she ran to her for safety, seemed like a good thing to do. It must have been really cruel for him to continue to pick daily fights, frequently calling me a “feminist bitch”, and fully feeling “I am being punished for all the wrongs men have ever done!”. I must be a bad person, since I have been told that “you’re a hateful bitch”, “you love to tear me down”, “you won’t be happy until I am a shell of a man”, and so much more.
What I actually said…
I said that after a decade of PIV with no care for me, there would be no more “taking one for the team”, no more PIV that wasn’t mutually fulfilling, no more treating my body like a sex doll. I claimed my right to reject PIV, and I meant it. I was clear that the years of bending me over for 2 minutes of jackhammering were over. That it was not fun for me, that it is not, and could never be, fun to be fucked in that way. That’s it. It is true that I said this during a fight, but it wasn’t to be malicious, it was because this was the only time I had the nerve to say it. Anger gave me courage (and now I know why I needed it).
But me taking even this small stand has unleashed a torrent of insanity that beggars belief. Instead of actually feeling bad about years of unpleasant sex and coercion (which he claimed to, initially), or at least fake apologizing, he demanded a “transition period”, during which I would give him a bunch of sex before I cut him off (which I hadn’t- but I did after this). Not even kidding. A freaking transition period, JFC. Because “it’s no big deal to let me fuck you for 2 minutes, to make my whole day better”. Male Entitlement 101 stuff here. I know. (He was never a Nigel, but this was insane even by his already lowered standards)
Now I know exactly why I never said anything about his sexual prowess (or lack thereof), and why most women never will. Because if THIS is the response I got from a normal male, my long term “partner” and father of our kids, a hard working, average, not outwardly misogynist, racist, violent, or mean, I can only imagine how much worse it can get. I don’t want to, and I am sure there are women in DV shelters, or still cowering at home, that can attest to the danger of hurting the fragile male ego.
Stay safe sisters. The best thing you can ever do for yourself is stay the fuck away from men, and never, ever, marry or have kids with one. I mean it- get away fro them while you still can.