Tag Archives: sex pozzie

The Internalized Misogyny of Fem Doms and Sex Pozzies

When I was a female pro Domme ($ only, not lifestyle), I thought I was being empowered, but I was merely mimicking men, male attitudes, and male versions of sexual activities. The damaging, wholly ignorant, lib fem, and sex poz, beliefs made these actions feel progressive; I believe had I not been introduced to these ideas, I would not have gone into the pornified world of male deviance like I did. It was the legitimacy of (the appropriation) the term “feminism” that allowed me to remain comfortable with my choices, my twisted world view was not challenged by anyone, especially myself.

Recently I have realized that I had been so fully, utterly, colonized by men, that I had internalized the male gaze, and became limited to viewing the world through the male point of view. Destructive misogyny subsumed me so profoundly, that it became my entire personality (if you can even call it that), and internal identity. I had always wanted all of what I took to belonged to men, rather than the attributes assigned to women. Even as a child, I never identified with the limitations of the feminine role. Instead, I behaved as if I was an aggressive, overtly sexual, male, but with my very female, stripper inspired, physical image.

As a pro domme, I was in no way acting as a “strong, empowered, women in ownership of her own sexuality”; it was the furthest thing from it. I mainly abused men, for pay, and it made me feel truly masculine, powerful, and strong, even though it put me in a vulnerable situation legally and physically (safety). There is a term in kink lingo that (poorly) illustrates how dommes can be the unwitting servants: “topping from the bottom”. The male always wielded the power, that it was ever handed over was only an illusion for his sexual gratification. The reality was that I was intensely servile, under a mask of dominance that even I thought was real. The fact is, the act of kink (or sex, stripping, etc) for pay put me in a truly submissive position, having to cater to male needs, and desires, in order to survive financially.

I had become a true, enthusiastic, believer of sex poz, and a walking embodiment of the left wing image of an ideal women, like a Maxim cover come to life. Instead of having “agency”, I played right into exactly what the modern man desires in a female, as my entire sexuality was based on pornified images and the desires of the sickest of men. And sick it was; I participated in things that ought to inspire utter disgust, but sex poz ideals teach you to not just accept, but celebrate even the most repellant of sex acts. Any sign of less than standard enthusiasm for someones particular kink could garner you the label of “prude”, “hater”, “kinkphobic”etc. There was no room for any type of disapproval, no matter how mild, so you learn to quash any self doubt and censor yourself completely.

And I was the ultimate collaborator. Thankfully, it was rare to have a female, other than the other domme, but I occasionally brought in a submissive friend of mine, if a client requested her. It didn’t bother me, but it should have. I should have listened to my original objections, but I went ahead with the idea that this whole endeavor was empowering, proof of agency and power, even feminist (!!!). It allowed the self deception necessary to hurt a friend in this way; if she chose it, what could be wrong with it? This was how I thought, so dedicated I was to serving the orgasms of random men.

The truth is, there is nothing at all empowering about any type of sex work, no matter what these seThe truth is, there is nothing at all empowering about any type of sex work, no matter what these sex pozzers like to say. I am still working very hard to de-colonize my mind from the decades of internalized misogyny, and then the destructive, seductive, LIES of 3rd wave activists.

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A Casualty of Sex Pozzi Beliefs- Part One, the Beginning

Where do I even start with this? How did I get into Sex Pos in the first place?

When I was a young, feminine looking feminist, I bought the sex pozzie fem (SPF) crap hook, line, and sinker. I didn’t really get into it as an all encompassing philosophy, I just knew that I wanted to be one of those “good feminists” that wasn’t a man hater (no, not me!) and loved sex. I was liberated! I could have sex like the boys did! It was a perfect fit for me, since I had been very promiscuous as a teen and felt the shame and social pressure because of it. Sex Pos let me not only feel good about these sexual experiences (many of which were horrible), but even made me feel free, even superior, for having all this casual sex. It was an antidote to the shame that came from my sexual desire, and gave me permission to have the sex I (thought I) wanted.

There are reasons why there are women that *feel* sex pos is empowering. One of the big ones is that after a lifetime of hearing how women that wanted/had sex were worthless slutty sluts, all of a sudden our sexual choices were considered enlightened and progressive, among our peers. All the people that I respected and liked held these, or similar, ideals. Yeah, the godbag conservatives still thought we were soiled (while buying us in their spare time…), but who cared about those uptight dinosaurs anyway? We knew they were just regressive perverts that hated women (true), and were oppressed about sex, so we would show them! How very rebellious of us!

Other things that we took as empowering were some types of sex work. Stripping was just a job, where I could feel attractive and get positive attention for my looks. A job that could even turn the tables on men, giving me power over them, just like being a Dominatrix could. Every job I had prior to stripping had a huge heaping of sexual harassment, even assault, but required unending hours of drudgery for the most meager of paychecks. It was actually a step up to be making huge stacks of cash, all in a small fraction of the time- with *less* harassment than my low wage jobs. I always said if I sold my body, I still got to keep it, but if I sold my time, it was gone forever, so getting the most cash in the shortest amount of time was paramount. Gross sexual behavior was always part of any job, why not get paid for it?

Plus, SPF meant I didn’t have to change anything; Iooking sexy was great, powerful, so long as I willingly chose it. Make up, provocative clothing, and even plastic surgery may be part of the evil beauty industry, but since femininity was just a put on that you could opt into, it was an acceptable choice. If it improved your self esteem, it was a good choice. Sleeping with many men, and having all manner of sexual exploits, was just a matter of free expression. Experimenting with bisexuality was not taboo, it was exciting, and open minded. Participating in BDSM was edgy and cool, as were any kinks the men had. Best part, I could do all of this, while thinking I was a feminist, helping the cause, expanding minds, raising consciousness.

Of course since sex positive “feminism” mirrored my behaviors, I wanted to think this was healthy and awesome, so I latched on uncritically. I did think about it, but what I heard seemed to make good sense. Girl Power was just starting to get influential back then, so I thought it was what feminism was all about, and didn’t know there was any other type of feminism. I wanted equality and equal pay, the end of double standards, available birth control and abortion rights. I knew beauty myth was harmful, gender was made up, and both were damaging, and I was aware that we lived in a patriarchy.

And that is as far as it went. It’s not like I was unwilling to learn, its just that feminism was not a big part of my life, so I didn’t search any harder than what I happened across. The web was so new that it wasn’t part of my everyday life for years to come, but being among other women like me, (and men, men, always men), was, so it was easy to overlook other feminist thought. SPF was merely one choice among many, chosen mostly for the way it made me feel (which was good), and because of my existing desire to see women have better lives and status.

While believing in SPF is not an excuse for my choices, it absolutely influenced them. At every turn I was told that what I was doing was right, even making empowering and radical (HA!) choices. Any doubts I had were easily explained away as a hang over from a repressive culture, just baggage holding me back. Uncomfortable feelings about sex were things to be worked on, in order to become fully empowered, and open minded- two things I so desperately wanted to believe about myself.

Next up- Part 2. The Damage Done